Sex After Baby: Reinventing It All

Sex after baby: what really changes

I’m talking to you, the woman, but also to you, the co-parent reading this: stay until the end. Sex after baby is one of the topics most surrounded by silence and guilt that I see in my practice. You were prepared for childbirth, perhaps for breastfeeding, but rarely for what happens next to your intimate life. So let me say it right away: when a child arrives, yes, you will have to adapt. But no, your sex life is not doomed.

The postpartum period does not end when your periods come back. Taking into account how the brain reorganises, some neuroscientists describe a postpartum period of at least two years. And during that time, a lot shifts at once:

• tiredness, often extreme exhaustion;
• vulvar, vaginal or physical pain after the birth;
• a birth experienced as traumatic, or older violence resurfacing;
• baby blues, postpartum depression, anxiety;
• the mental load of the baby and the household;
• body image and self-esteem;
• hormones and breastfeeding;
• the state of the relationship.

One point seems essential to me: what weighs most on your intimate life after baby is often what it was like before. A couple who communicated well and looked after their intimacy usually gets through this period better. That is why it helps to talk about it early, ideally during pregnancy.

Woman or mother? Woman and mother

Becoming a parent is a true rite of passage, a transition as profound as adolescence. It is called matrescence. In sessions I often hear: “I don’t know what I want anymore, or how I want it. I don’t know who I am.” That is normal: you are no longer quite who you were, and not yet quite who you are becoming.

This transition sometimes runs into an old pattern: the madonna–whore complex. On one side, the mother, saintly and untouchable; on the other, the woman who desires and takes pleasure. As if becoming a mother meant switching to the “madonna” side, in your partner’s eyes and often in your own. The way out is flexibility between roles: you can be a parent and a lover, change hats, without being locked into either.

What helps the mothers I work with:

• patience: “I don’t know who I am yet, but I know I will”;
• communication: sharing what you feel with your partner so you feel supported;
• kindness: not judging yourself, doing your best each day;
• gratitude towards the body that gave life.

Your body after birth

Your body is not the one you had a year ago, and it will not be the same in five months. A body in motion like this can surprise you, unsettle you, leave you without bearings. The belly often stays rounded for months; some women no longer dare to show it during intimacy, or flinch when it is touched. That belly stretched to make room for life: it deserves attention. Three simple practices:

1. Breathe mindfully for a few minutes a day, to come back into your body.
2. Speak to yourself gently: “Thank you for everything you have done for me.”
3. Massage your belly after your shower with a cream or oil. It is also good care for a caesarean scar, once you have the go-ahead.

For the vulva, swelling or pain in the first weeks can be eased with rest (as soon as someone can take over), cold compresses (aloe vera gel on sanitary pads put in the freezer, never ice directly on the skin) and loose cotton underwear. If the pain lasts or gets worse, see a professional.

Then there is vaginal dryness, so rarely mentioned: it affects about 43% of women after birth. Falling oestrogen is the main cause, and it responds very well to an intimate moisturising gel and a lubricant. But lubricant does not replace arousal: too little foreplay, or too little of what really turns you on, also leads to dryness.

Breastfeeding and sex

“I have no desire at all. Is it because of breastfeeding?” It is one of the questions I hear most. While breastfeeding, prolactin rises and testosterone falls, which can lower sexual interest. Oestrogen drops too, hence the dryness. And constant skin-to-skin contact with the baby releases a lot of oxytocin: your need for closeness is sometimes already met. Some mothers then feel “touched out”, saturated with contact, to the point of not being able to bear one more caress in the evening. The answer is more support: the co-parent takes the baby, cuddles them, and gives you a real break.

But I say it often: low desire is never only about hormones. Otherwise every breastfeeding woman would lose her desire, and that is not the case. People still advise stopping breastfeeding “so desire comes back”. It does not work (at least not every time), precisely because tiredness, mental load, the relationship and the way intimacy is initiated matter just as much. In fact, people who breastfeed resume their sex life barely a week later than those who bottle-feed, and six months after the birth there is no difference at all.

Two more things, to ease the guilt. First, milk can flow at the moment of orgasm: oxytocin triggers both. A towel within reach, a nursing bra, and that’s that. Second, some women feel a slight arousal while breastfeeding. This is not desire for your child: it is oxytocin, and the fact that nipple stimulation activates the same brain areas as other erogenous zones. Many women experience it, and there is nothing to be ashamed of.

Pain and the pelvic floor: it can be treated

Around 37% of women still feel pain during penetration six months after giving birth. The figure falls over the first year, but I want to be clear: no, it is not normal to be in pain, and this pain generally responds very well when it is properly treated. Too often, women are left alone with it, or told “it’s all in your head”.

An episiotomy or tear scar, vaginismus, dyspareunia, vulvodynia: there are several possible causes, and only trained specialists can make the right diagnosis. The body heals very well, sometimes too well: adhesions or fibrosis can form, even years later. A midwife or pelvic floor physiotherapist knows how to treat them. Camille Tallet talks about treating perineal and vulvar pain in episode #82 of the podcast (in French).

Pelvic floor rehabilitation is recommended from six weeks after the birth. It is not only about toning: a healthy pelvic floor also knows how to relax, and that is often what makes sex comfortable. In short, what helps:

• seeing a pelvic floor rehabilitation professional;
• asking a sexologist your intimate questions;
• massaging your vulva, especially after a scar, with your midwife’s approval;
• supporting your lubrication: what turns you on, Kegel exercises once your therapist allows them, a moisturising gel;
• reconnecting with your sex gently and slowly.

Desire and libido after baby

“I haven’t felt like it since the baby arrived. Is that normal?” It is completely common to notice changes in the way you feel and live your sexuality. No matter what others do or say, what matters is you and what is going on in your relationship. Tiredness, hormones, the partner’s support, a change of identity, pain, body image, postpartum depression: the factors often add up.

Tiredness comes up in almost every account. When an exhausted mother comes to me to “boost her desire”, I say stop: the priority is to reorganise the schedule so she has time for herself, gets her energy back and does things she enjoys. There is no couple intimacy without time for yourself first.

It also helps to understand that there are two forms of desire. Spontaneous desire arises on its own, at the thought of pleasure. Responsive desire arises in response: to a caress, a kiss, a climate of closeness. After birth, it is often spontaneous desire that goes to sleep, and that is normal. You do not have to wait for an urge that no longer comes: you can recreate the conditions for pleasure. I explore these mechanisms in my article on sexual desire.

And co-sleeping? To me, it is not what holds intimacy back; a lack of creativity to do things differently is. The living room, the bathroom, the baby’s nap, a night in a hotel if possible: the real question is “what stops us from doing it differently, if the desire is there?”

Resuming sex: when, how, without pressure

When can you have sex again after giving birth? There is no norm and no deadline, any more than there is a “normal” number of times a week. I prefer to talk about quality and satisfaction rather than frequency. And resuming does not mean penetration: cuddles, masturbation, oral sex, massage and tenderness count just as much.

If you are considering sex with penetration, four guidelines:

1. Wait until the lochia has stopped, the bleeding that lasts two to four weeks, because of the risk of infection. After that, a condom protects the still-fragile uterus.
2. Let it heal: the episiotomy, tear or caesarean, then massage the scar to soften the tissue, with your midwife’s approval.
3. Choose suitable contraception for heterosexual couples. Options exist for people with a penis too.
4. Want to, and this is the most important. One woman in five had sex for the first time after giving birth without wanting to (IFOP survey, 2022). Not wanting to is the first good reason to wait.

In the first year, sex slows down for most couples, then a large majority find a satisfying intimate life again between six months and a year after the birth. To get there, I suggest focusing on pleasure rather than desire: it removes the pressure of having to “want it” before you begin. Think of the clitoris too, the organ of pleasure, which lets you feel good without penetration. And take care of each other before and after: say what you want and what you don’t, then a cuddle, a glass of water, a kind word. That is the whole spirit of slow sex: slow down, feel, force nothing.

The couple and the “baby clash”

The baby clash is the tension that surfaces in a couple after a birth, and about two thirds of new parents go through it. You feel you no longer understand each other, speak badly to each other, go round in circles of reproach. One couple in five separates during the baby’s first year. I am convinced that many of these separations could be avoided with early support.

Two main drivers: tiredness (“when we’re tired, we speak badly to each other”) and an unfair share of the tasks. The more fairly tasks are shared, the higher the relationship and sexual satisfaction. Conversely, feeling you carry everything alone feeds anger and resentment, and kills desire.

What helps:

• Real communication. Talking a lot about the weather or logistics is not yet communicating. Saying your needs, fears and wishes, reflecting back what the other says, avoiding “never” and “always”: it can be learned. I cover it in my page on communication in a relationship.
• Being the GPS of your own pleasure. Your partner cannot read your mind, and after a birth, what used to feel good may no longer suit you. Say so.
• Planned time together. We think intimacy has to be spontaneous, and couples who wait for spontaneity sometimes wait for years. Planning creates anticipation, and so desire. A candlelit bath, lunch together, a walk hand in hand: the simplest dates are often the best.
• Remembering the beginning. What brought you together can be rekindled, one small gesture at a time.

The survey of 26,000 parents I discuss in episode #205 confirms it: this mismatch is widespread, and therefore normal. What makes the difference is how you get through it together.

What about the co-parent?

In perinatal care we mostly talk about mothers, and fathers and co-parents stay in the shadows. Yet 8 to 10% of fathers experience postpartum depression, and up to half when the mother is going through it herself. It often goes unnoticed, because men talk little about what they feel and have no medical follow-up after the birth. They too have the right to ask for help. The podcast comes back to postpartum mental health in episode #206.

Contrary to the cliché, many new fathers are not “desperate for sex”: they are worried about their partner’s health and their new responsibility. When there is a desire gap, each person remains responsible for their own desire and their own pleasure. You can express a wish, but never apply pressure, and masturbation is a precious ally for that. As for lesbian couples, they often describe stronger communication and mutual trust after the birth.

The book “Réinventer sa vie intime après bébé”

This question has been with me since 2015, in sessions and on the podcast, and I turned it into a book (in French): “Réinventer sa vie intime après bébé” (Reinventing your intimate life after baby), with a foreword by Dr Gilbert Bou Jaoudé, medical sexologist. The revised 2024 edition is more inclusive, draws on new studies, and adds six parts: the baby clash, the IVF journey, postpartum in lesbian couples, communication, a focus on pleasure, and care in sexuality.

It moves step by step, from pregnancy to your new intimate life with yourself and then as a couple, with concrete exercises: the “Queen shower”, the list of desires, dates for two, mindfulness… It imposes nothing and does not ask you to do more: it offers paths to explore, without judgement. It is available as an e-book and in print.

Discover the book

When and who to consult

I would much rather see a couple too early than too late. As soon as questions come up, as soon as tension builds, it is the right time to consult. Asking for help is nothing to be ashamed of: it takes courage.

Several professionals can support you, often together: your midwife for postnatal follow-up and rehabilitation, a pelvic floor physiotherapist for the pelvic floor and scars, your doctor or gynaecologist for persistent pain, a psychologist if you feel overwhelmed, and a sexologist for desire, pleasure and the relationship. If sadness, anxiety or exhaustion last more than a few days, talk to someone quickly: postpartum depression can be treated, and you do not have to go through it alone. And of course, talking about the baby clash never means downplaying violence: it is neither normal nor acceptable.

Above all, remember this: sex after baby is not lost, it is in transition. It may not come back “the way it was”, and that is a good thing: it can become more mindful, more tender and more your own.

Frequently asked questions

Book an appointment Discover the book